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Thursday nights I play on a summer volleyball league; which I greatly enjoy.

However, one particular night we weren’t playing so hot and my teammates were getting really upset with themselves. When we lost they were apologizing for their missed hits and placing the blame on themselves for the loss.

It got me thinking, “Why do we do this to ourselves?”

A “team” means a group effort. If one person makes some errors, the loss isn’t on them. It’s up to the other players to encourage and lift that person up or assist them if their game is off. We need to STEP UP for them.

If you also place the blame on yourself after your team loses consider this:

If your team wins, do you say that the only reason they won is because of you? Probably not.

See in a TEAM setting it takes more than one person to win, as well as to lose. We need to shift our perception on this matter and understand that your errors are not causing the loss, just like your successes are not the sole reason your team wins.

If you’re going to continue placing the blame on yourself for a loss then you should also take all of the praise when you play well and your team wins. Sounds arrogant, doesn’t it? Well, it’s also arrogant to think you have the power to cause your team to lose. That’s essentially saying that your team isn’t good enough to win without you playing well. I know you don’t mean it that way, but if you start to think about it this way you can show yourself some compassion when you do mess up and make errors.

Trust your team to be good enough to step up and assist when your game isn’t there.

Remember it takes a team to win, as well as to lose. Take the “I” out of it.

Did you take the time to watch the ESPYS?

Well, I didn’t, but I watched the highlights later on. If you did not watch them, like me, I highly encourage you to take the ten minutes to watch the clip from when 114 ‘Sister Survivors’ took the stage to receive the Arthur Ashe Courage Award.

The 2018 ESPYS took the time to honor the survivors who were sexually assaulted and abused by who they believed to be a trusted Doctor. I am not going to mention the Doctor’s’ name, he doesn’t deserve to have his name mentioned because this post is not about him. It’s about the strong survivors.

(If you want to know his name and don’t yet, a quick google search will pull it up right away.)

265 Women. Girls. Athletes. Mothers. Daughters. Sisters.

I read an article that mentioned there were 265 women sexually abused. 265! That’s a lot of lives affected by something that they should have NEVER had to experience. In the video, as the sister survivors take the stage you feel chills. You feel chills from their anger that something so volatile happened to them, you feel chills from their pain that is so unimaginable, you feel chills from their courage that all of these women demonstrated, you feel chills from their strength when they walk together as a unified team of 114 women warriors to accept an award they all deserve, but shouldn’t have had to endure.

There are many feelings that you will experience as you watch the video. These strong and powerful women spoke up several times in the past about their abuser.

1997
1998
1999
2000
2004
2011
2013
2014
2015
2016

These were the years that reports were made. These were the years that girls and women spoke out to have their voices heard. These were the years they attempted to tell their stories. These were the years that nothing happened. No one listened or acted upon what they told them, yet they pursued telling their stories and speaking up anyways.

This message is powerful and inspiring. Yes, it is daunting and terrible that this abuse went on for over 30 years until something was done. But the other side of the coin is that eventually something was done. It’s a reminder to NEVER give up. Overtime something will happen, something will be done. We need to keep fighting and continue to pursue in telling our stories.

I am beyond thankful to each and every one of these women. I am also sick to my stomach at what they had to endure. They spoke up not only for themselves but for tons of other girls and women who did not or could not speak up. It’s way harder than you think. If you speak up you risk people not believing you and your entire life being scrutinized and judged upon. You risk a harsh backlash that could happen. This is why so many people do not speak up. This is why I did not speak up to authorities when I was sexually abused. I was scared and ashamed, just like so many other victims.

It happens more often than we would like to believe.

As coaches, parents, brothers, sisters, friends, teammates, and other professionals we need to listen, believe, and act accordingly to keep youth athletes, college students, and children safe. It’s up to us. If they shared their story with you, they did their part. Now you and I need to do ours. Don’t let their stories fall on deaf ears. Protect them and do your best and your part to keep them safe.

It’s our job and duty to use this tragedy as an example and reminder to stop placing money and medals above the safety of kids and athletes. Enough is enough.

Thank you to all of the sister survivors for this reminder, for this lesson, and for making other victims feel less alone.

Your story deserves to be heard. Your voice has power. Use it and tell your story.

A couple of years ago my niece went out for volleyball. She played for a competitive team and struggled to develop her skills being new to the sport. Often she compared herself to teammates who have been playing much longer. She still wanted to play and would practice at home all the time peppering the ball against the wall.

She lacked confidence though, especially in her serves.

This past season she has immensely enjoyed her volleyball experience. When I asked her what she loved most about the sport she said, “I just love all of it. Especially playing games. It’s the most fun to pass to my teammates and play serving games at practice. My coach is nice and my teammates were fun.”

When asked why she plays the sport she smiled saying, “I just really like it!”

This is what happens when youth sports support a child’s three basic needs according to the Self-Determination Theory (Ryan & Deci, 2000). It is my favorite theory of motivation. It states that a person will become intrinsically motivated (meaning they will choose to do something solely for the pure enjoyment and fun out of it) if all three basic needs are met. Extrinsic motivation is the opposite meaning they are doing it for some kind of reward or benefit.

Intrinsic motivation is important for success because studies have demonstrated that those who are intrinsically motivated in something will have a deeper engagement in learning activities, better conceptual learning, and have a higher persistence at learning activities (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

The three basic needs to enhance intrinsic motivation include:

1) Competence: Learning and developing skills to increase confidence.
2) Autonomy: offering choices or a sense of freedom within their sport, giving them the power to choose.
3) Relatedness: Making friends and being a part of a team, interacting with others and connecting.

I remember these three needs by using the acronym CAR. When I am working with athletes and teams I ask myself, “Am I letting them drive the car?” Meaning, I am checking in to see if I am providing ways to increase their competence, autonomy, and relatedness. As coaches and parents, we need to let kids drive their own car. We are their car frame supporting them and being the ones to press the gas and brakes when needed for guidance.

All coaches should provide an environment where all three are met to increase a child’s intrinsic motivation in sport.

This video is of my niece this past season, 2 years later. She has been improving her skills and starting to enjoy the process. When I went to watch her at this game she made every serve over but one!

I can’t explain the joy I felt watching her play in this game. The girls demonstrated great camaraderie filled with laughter, athletic stances, effort, and point celebration cheers. Here she is, with her serves going over (when two years ago she felt it was impossible) and diving to the ground to save a ball. The best part (which isn’t on video) is when she got up after the hit, her teammates and coaches praised her effort, and she continued to play.

Be the frame, gas, and brakes. Let them drive their car.

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68.

I recently watched an awesome video someone shared online about friendship and your “tribe.”

I invite you to watch it as well here.

What exactly is your tribe? Well for starters, you have the power to decide who you want it to be.

The people who are in your tribe are essentially the people you identify as your support system. They are the people that you associate with most. Essentially your tribe includes your friends, mentors, colleagues, and/or family.

What is it that makes knowing your tribe so important though for leadership, success, and character development?

Well, did you know that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with?

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously stated this, which he relates to the law of averages. This law states that the result of any given situation will be the average of all outcomes. No matter what relationship we have, we are influenced heavily by those around us. We may not believe that this is the case, but it most definitely is true.

Think about it. Who are your 5 closest friends or “tribe” members? What activities do they do? What kind of style do they have? What types of clothes do they wear? What sayings or words do they frequently use? What are their values? More than likely, you engage in similar things, have similar values, and may even wear similar clothing styles and talk alike.

I’m sure you have experienced being around someone who says a word or phrase often and after being around them for awhile you start to say it too. It’s because they have just influenced you! I know that I have experienced this many times before.

The bottom line is that the people you surround yourself with matters.

Consider your five people or your tribe. Imagine them all in your boat of life. Are they helping you row towards the destination you’re aiming for or are they drilling holes?

It’s not about the size of your circle but the loyalty that’s in it. What this means is that it does not matter how MANY people you have in your tribe, the quality of the people in it matters more.

Surround yourself with positively impactful people!

I’ve been known to be picky about who I allow into my circle of close friends. I definitely don’t have a lot of close friends, but those who I am close to definitely surpass me in all aspects that I strive to be. With my tribe I am not the average, I am below the average.

They keep me on track and motivate me to work towards my goals and to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. They don’t judge me or criticize unless it’s coming from a point of care because they know that I can be and do better. Essentially they call me out on my bullshit. There isn’t jealousy or comparison because we all want to support one another and are happy to see each other succeed. My tribe is along with me for my ride helping paddle my boat and I am along for their ride paddling just as hard. It goes both ways!

Since you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, what kind of person does that make you? Consider what kind of person you want to be. How are these two people aligning with one another?

Surround yourself with those who push you to be your best and tell you the hard truth, even when you don’t want to hear it. We need people to call us out on our bullshit and support us and pick us up when needed as well.

The same goes for when you are hiring people for your business or are a coach and developing your team.
Pick people who align with your values and vision for the team/company.

Do they show up how you want them to?

“Don’t let your world create you. You create your world.”

Hire or allow people on your team who fit and have the same vision as you.

Many businesses and teams hire or make the team for “skills” rather than “fit”. Hire and/or pick people who fit into the culture you are trying to create and build meaningful relationships with them. If they feel respected and valued, they will be more efficient and motivated workers/students/athletes at their job, in a classroom, or out on the field.

I am fortunate to have these members in my tribe and you can establish an amazing supportive tribe as well. You have to first know what you want, where you want to go, and then go out and connect with people who share your vision.

Ultimately if you want to be successful, you need people on your team and in your tribe to help make it happen! Let people in your boat who are there to help you row, not to drill holes or are added weight.

Note: The pictures throughout this blog are my main tribe members. My family is also in that circle, I just ran out of room for pictures and wanted to focus more on my support system from my friends and boyfriend rather than the realm of family.

Recently I worked with a team on building their team culture and their part in creating it. I started off by asking them a simple question.

“Who are your leaders?”

They responded by saying the coaches, captains, and few other names of teammates who are high performers on their team. When I ask them who shapes their teams’ culture they responded by naming the leaders they previously mentioned.

Wrong. The culture is the attitude of the people in it.

I asked them if they are part of their culture, which they nodded.

“If you are a part of the culture, you have a part in creating it. That makes you a leader as well.”

I knew immediately the reason they weren’t liking their current team culture is that they weren’t doing anything to change it. They ignored their responsibility as leaders to take ownership of creating the culture they wanted. They avoided stepping up as a leader and placed blame on a select few who they thought controlled the culture. If this is the case with your team, your culture will not change until the attitudes of the people on the team change.

“Leaders create the culture that drives the behavior that produces results.” – Brian Kight

Everyone on your team are ALL leaders in the sense that they all play a part in creating the team culture. Leadership means taking ownership of that role. The culture is YOU. It’s not the coach, captains, school, or fans. The culture is each and every one of YOU. What YOU believe and do can change the culture.

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Once you can create buy-in from your team that each and every person plays a vital role in establishing the team culture you can change it. Establish values and rules that you want your team to live by. What kind of culture do you want? What do you want your team to look and act like? Create unified team goals that everyone on the team buys into. Once you know your values, rules, and goals that everyone is onboard with you can shift the culture and change the attitudes on the team to step up as leaders and take ownership of their part on the team.

Teams with great cultures also know how to bring the energy with their positive attitudes. Does your team do this? Energy is contagious. Once it’s formed and passed throughout the team it can create powerful momentum.

Feel the energy this team I worked with brought in an activity called Rock, Paper, Scissors Cheerleader. The only way this activity works successfully is if the whole team buys into the game, develops a positive attitude, and brings the energy. If you were another team looking in, what would you think about this team? Other people and teams can feel the energy from these groups and they are drawn to them! You can intimidate your opponents and draw others to be on your team through your team culture. Create the culture that you want and remember that each and every person on your team has a part in creating it.

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