Yearly Archives: 2018

A few weeks ago I decided to take the Harley Davidson Riders Edge Skills course to obtain my Motorcycle license. I took the course in high school and had to pass it in order to take the permit test. Since I never obtained my license after having my temps and haven’t ridden a bike in a while I decided to take the course yet again.

Going in I already felt confident and prepared. While practicing the skills I was executing them well until the test came. WOW was I nervous! I’m not sure why and where it came from but it hit me hard. I felt my heart racing and my mind became clouded with negative thoughts of, “You can’t do this. What if I fail? Don’t mess this up.”

I was a nervous wreck. At one point I checked my Fitbit and my heart rate was well in the 100s – not good!

As a mental coach I assist athletes and performers to regulate their emotions, so you’d think that I would be able to control my own, right? That’s what I thought. I quickly used some of the skills I had in my mental toolbox such as deep breathing exercises and started to talk to myself instead of listening to the negativity storm that was brewing. I reminded myself that I have taken this test before and crushed it, it’s not a big deal, just go out and show them what you can do.

Well, my nerves got the best of me. I doubted my abilities and made several errors that I was not making earlier. With each mistake, I became more frustrated with myself. I was experiencing what many athletes and performers do when they choke during a performance. My attention shifted to overthinking even the most simple tasks and skills instead of allowing myself to simply perform them as I have before.

By the end of the test, I was emotionally worn out. I knew I blew it. I let my emotions and nerves take over and control me instead of being in control of them.

When it was my turn to check in with how I did I felt the tears coming and the emotions swelling up. I didn’t pass.

I was upset and frustrated. I was so angry with myself. Here I am, a MENTAL PERFORMANCE COACH and I can’t even keep my mentality and emotions in check for a motorcycle road test. I started to doubt my ability to be a mental coach. If I can’t apply the skills myself, how could I even teach them to others?

I held on to this failure for a couple of days and continued to feel humiliated. I didn’t tell anyone that I failed and luckily not a lot of people asked about it. I got questions such as, “How did the class go?”
I would respond with, “It was good! So much fun,” not addressing whether or not I passed. Most of my family just assumed I passed so when they asked when I was going to start riding I would say, “I’m not sure, I still have to go to the DMV and get a new license.”

I made excuses for myself over and over again. After sulking for a few days I knew I had to change my mindset, perspective, and attitude. My boyfriend Cody was great at not letting me give up. He complimented me several times about how impressed he was with my skills and that if I took it again I would definitely pass. He reminded me that I knew the skills and drills, I just wasn’t able to execute them at that moment. He encouraged and pushed me to try again.

I had the opportunity to re-do the test which would be in a one-on-one setting to really improve my skills. After about a week or two I was ready to schedule the test and try again.

I still felt embarrassed when I returned for the test but forced myself to embrace feeling uncomfortable to meet my goals. I had to continue to remind myself that passing or failing does NOT define who I am as a person, mental coach, or anything else for that matter. I needed to take the pressure off of myself and enjoy being out on the bike developing my riding skills.

When I was struggling with one of the skills the instructor came up to me and asked what I do for work. When I told her about being a mental coach for athletes she asked, “Alright then. Imagine that you’re the mental coach for an athlete who is in your position. What would you tell them?”

I thought about it. I knew exactly what I would tell them, “Get out of your own head. Focus on the skill you need to execute and follow the steps.”

“Exactly!” the instructor beamed. “Now tell yourself that and do it.”

My motivation and determination grew. I knew I could do it, I just had to break the task down, focus on what I needed to do, and get it done. I started to smile and laugh when I would mess up because I knew exactly how to correct it and focused more on the ones I was doing successfully.

Being able to laugh at yourself through mistakes is HUGE. Mistakes happen, big deal. Get over it, laugh at yourself, and move on. Learn from it and try again. I took this approach throughout the test and felt much more comfortable and confident. I realized that even if I failed, yes I would be upset with myself, but it’s not the end of the world.

I passed the second time around. I knew I could do it, I just had to prove I could do it during the test when the pressure was on.

Isn’t this how life is though? So many times throughout life we KNOW what to do and we KNOW how to do it, but when the pressure is on our emotions get the best of us and we fall hard. This doesn’t have to define us though!

Failing the test the first time was actually a humbling experience. It taught me these 7 things:

1. Learn to laugh at yourself – It’s easy to become upset and frustrated but if you continue holding onto these feelings you will not improve, you’ll only fall harder. Learn to laugh at yourself because it will relieve stress and help you to refocus.

2. Learn from mistakes/errors – Fail means First Attempt In Learning so learn from your errors and apply it your second time around. You’ll be amazed at your progress if you use mistakes as teachable moments rather than a reason to beat yourself up.

3. Get back up – If you fail at something, don’t give up! You have goals for a reason, no one said it would be easy. Overcome your mistakes by being determined to continue.

4. Focus on the task at hand – You know what to do. Instead of overthinking the task or considering worst-case scenarios, take a deep breath and break the task down simply. Your body knows what to do so instruct it to follow through and it will.

5. Take the pressure off – We are the ones who put the pressure on ourselves. We are also the ones who can take it off. Look at the bigger picture. In the grand scheme of life does this one moment really define your whole future? Chances are it doesn’t. Whether you fail or succeed you will continue living and moving forward.

6. Failure doesn’t define you – You define who you are, not others. This goes along with taking off the pressure. If we can understand that failing won’t ruin us then it takes the pressure off as well. Remind yourself of all the hard work and effort you put in. This is what defines you, not the outcome.

7. Have fun – When we put the pressure on ourselves we forget to have fun. We become tense and have clouded minds. Relax. Breathe. Remind yourself what you find fun about what you’re doing. Smile and enjoy the moment.

———–

This experience reminded me that even if we have all of the tools in our disposable for how to handle pressure, the pressure can still get to us and cause us to perform less than we know we can. Mental skills are not something you learn and then BOOM all your problems and stresses are gone and solved. It takes constant work and constant practice. Some days you’ll nail it, other days you won’t. It doesn’t mean we should stop trying!

Next time you engage in an activity or performance and the nerves start to bubble up, show yourself some self-love and understanding. It’s normal. Even if you KNOW what you should do and KNOW the skills to execute it can still happen to you. Even someone with a Master’s degree in Sport and Exercise Psychology can become flustered and feel pressure to the point where they can’t even pass a motorcycle test on skills that they’ve executed before.

Some days you win, some days you don’t. What matters most is how you perceive and respond to the failures. Get back up, dust yourself off, and tackle it again. Remind yourself of the 7 things that I learned during my experience and use them to make your setback a comeback!

Maybe I’ll see you on the road, I’ll be the one with the purple butterfly motorcycle helmet 😉

Thursday nights I play on a summer volleyball league; which I greatly enjoy.

However, one particular night we weren’t playing so hot and my teammates were getting really upset with themselves. When we lost they were apologizing for their missed hits and placing the blame on themselves for the loss.

It got me thinking, “Why do we do this to ourselves?”

A “team” means a group effort. If one person makes some errors, the loss isn’t on them. It’s up to the other players to encourage and lift that person up or assist them if their game is off. We need to STEP UP for them.

If you also place the blame on yourself after your team loses consider this:

If your team wins, do you say that the only reason they won is because of you? Probably not.

See in a TEAM setting it takes more than one person to win, as well as to lose. We need to shift our perception on this matter and understand that your errors are not causing the loss, just like your successes are not the sole reason your team wins.

If you’re going to continue placing the blame on yourself for a loss then you should also take all of the praise when you play well and your team wins. Sounds arrogant, doesn’t it? Well, it’s also arrogant to think you have the power to cause your team to lose. That’s essentially saying that your team isn’t good enough to win without you playing well. I know you don’t mean it that way, but if you start to think about it this way you can show yourself some compassion when you do mess up and make errors.

Trust your team to be good enough to step up and assist when your game isn’t there.

Remember it takes a team to win, as well as to lose. Take the “I” out of it.

Did you take the time to watch the ESPYS?

Well, I didn’t, but I watched the highlights later on. If you did not watch them, like me, I highly encourage you to take the ten minutes to watch the clip from when 114 ‘Sister Survivors’ took the stage to receive the Arthur Ashe Courage Award.

The 2018 ESPYS took the time to honor the survivors who were sexually assaulted and abused by who they believed to be a trusted Doctor. I am not going to mention the Doctor’s’ name, he doesn’t deserve to have his name mentioned because this post is not about him. It’s about the strong survivors.

(If you want to know his name and don’t yet, a quick google search will pull it up right away.)

265 Women. Girls. Athletes. Mothers. Daughters. Sisters.

I read an article that mentioned there were 265 women sexually abused. 265! That’s a lot of lives affected by something that they should have NEVER had to experience. In the video, as the sister survivors take the stage you feel chills. You feel chills from their anger that something so volatile happened to them, you feel chills from their pain that is so unimaginable, you feel chills from their courage that all of these women demonstrated, you feel chills from their strength when they walk together as a unified team of 114 women warriors to accept an award they all deserve, but shouldn’t have had to endure.

There are many feelings that you will experience as you watch the video. These strong and powerful women spoke up several times in the past about their abuser.

1997
1998
1999
2000
2004
2011
2013
2014
2015
2016

These were the years that reports were made. These were the years that girls and women spoke out to have their voices heard. These were the years they attempted to tell their stories. These were the years that nothing happened. No one listened or acted upon what they told them, yet they pursued telling their stories and speaking up anyways.

This message is powerful and inspiring. Yes, it is daunting and terrible that this abuse went on for over 30 years until something was done. But the other side of the coin is that eventually something was done. It’s a reminder to NEVER give up. Overtime something will happen, something will be done. We need to keep fighting and continue to pursue in telling our stories.

I am beyond thankful to each and every one of these women. I am also sick to my stomach at what they had to endure. They spoke up not only for themselves but for tons of other girls and women who did not or could not speak up. It’s way harder than you think. If you speak up you risk people not believing you and your entire life being scrutinized and judged upon. You risk a harsh backlash that could happen. This is why so many people do not speak up. This is why I did not speak up to authorities when I was sexually abused. I was scared and ashamed, just like so many other victims.

It happens more often than we would like to believe.

As coaches, parents, brothers, sisters, friends, teammates, and other professionals we need to listen, believe, and act accordingly to keep youth athletes, college students, and children safe. It’s up to us. If they shared their story with you, they did their part. Now you and I need to do ours. Don’t let their stories fall on deaf ears. Protect them and do your best and your part to keep them safe.

It’s our job and duty to use this tragedy as an example and reminder to stop placing money and medals above the safety of kids and athletes. Enough is enough.

Thank you to all of the sister survivors for this reminder, for this lesson, and for making other victims feel less alone.

Your story deserves to be heard. Your voice has power. Use it and tell your story.

A couple of years ago my niece went out for volleyball. She played for a competitive team and struggled to develop her skills being new to the sport. Often she compared herself to teammates who have been playing much longer. She still wanted to play and would practice at home all the time peppering the ball against the wall.

She lacked confidence though, especially in her serves.

This past season she has immensely enjoyed her volleyball experience. When I asked her what she loved most about the sport she said, “I just love all of it. Especially playing games. It’s the most fun to pass to my teammates and play serving games at practice. My coach is nice and my teammates were fun.”

When asked why she plays the sport she smiled saying, “I just really like it!”

This is what happens when youth sports support a child’s three basic needs according to the Self-Determination Theory (Ryan & Deci, 2000). It is my favorite theory of motivation. It states that a person will become intrinsically motivated (meaning they will choose to do something solely for the pure enjoyment and fun out of it) if all three basic needs are met. Extrinsic motivation is the opposite meaning they are doing it for some kind of reward or benefit.

Intrinsic motivation is important for success because studies have demonstrated that those who are intrinsically motivated in something will have a deeper engagement in learning activities, better conceptual learning, and have a higher persistence at learning activities (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

The three basic needs to enhance intrinsic motivation include:

1) Competence: Learning and developing skills to increase confidence.
2) Autonomy: offering choices or a sense of freedom within their sport, giving them the power to choose.
3) Relatedness: Making friends and being a part of a team, interacting with others and connecting.

I remember these three needs by using the acronym CAR. When I am working with athletes and teams I ask myself, “Am I letting them drive the car?” Meaning, I am checking in to see if I am providing ways to increase their competence, autonomy, and relatedness. As coaches and parents, we need to let kids drive their own car. We are their car frame supporting them and being the ones to press the gas and brakes when needed for guidance.

All coaches should provide an environment where all three are met to increase a child’s intrinsic motivation in sport.

This video is of my niece this past season, 2 years later. She has been improving her skills and starting to enjoy the process. When I went to watch her at this game she made every serve over but one!

I can’t explain the joy I felt watching her play in this game. The girls demonstrated great camaraderie filled with laughter, athletic stances, effort, and point celebration cheers. Here she is, with her serves going over (when two years ago she felt it was impossible) and diving to the ground to save a ball. The best part (which isn’t on video) is when she got up after the hit, her teammates and coaches praised her effort, and she continued to play.

Be the frame, gas, and brakes. Let them drive their car.

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68.

I recently watched an awesome video someone shared online about friendship and your “tribe.”

I invite you to watch it as well here.

What exactly is your tribe? Well for starters, you have the power to decide who you want it to be.

The people who are in your tribe are essentially the people you identify as your support system. They are the people that you associate with most. Essentially your tribe includes your friends, mentors, colleagues, and/or family.

What is it that makes knowing your tribe so important though for leadership, success, and character development?

Well, did you know that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with?

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously stated this, which he relates to the law of averages. This law states that the result of any given situation will be the average of all outcomes. No matter what relationship we have, we are influenced heavily by those around us. We may not believe that this is the case, but it most definitely is true.

Think about it. Who are your 5 closest friends or “tribe” members? What activities do they do? What kind of style do they have? What types of clothes do they wear? What sayings or words do they frequently use? What are their values? More than likely, you engage in similar things, have similar values, and may even wear similar clothing styles and talk alike.

I’m sure you have experienced being around someone who says a word or phrase often and after being around them for awhile you start to say it too. It’s because they have just influenced you! I know that I have experienced this many times before.

The bottom line is that the people you surround yourself with matters.

Consider your five people or your tribe. Imagine them all in your boat of life. Are they helping you row towards the destination you’re aiming for or are they drilling holes?

It’s not about the size of your circle but the loyalty that’s in it. What this means is that it does not matter how MANY people you have in your tribe, the quality of the people in it matters more.

Surround yourself with positively impactful people!

I’ve been known to be picky about who I allow into my circle of close friends. I definitely don’t have a lot of close friends, but those who I am close to definitely surpass me in all aspects that I strive to be. With my tribe I am not the average, I am below the average.

They keep me on track and motivate me to work towards my goals and to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. They don’t judge me or criticize unless it’s coming from a point of care because they know that I can be and do better. Essentially they call me out on my bullshit. There isn’t jealousy or comparison because we all want to support one another and are happy to see each other succeed. My tribe is along with me for my ride helping paddle my boat and I am along for their ride paddling just as hard. It goes both ways!

Since you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, what kind of person does that make you? Consider what kind of person you want to be. How are these two people aligning with one another?

Surround yourself with those who push you to be your best and tell you the hard truth, even when you don’t want to hear it. We need people to call us out on our bullshit and support us and pick us up when needed as well.

The same goes for when you are hiring people for your business or are a coach and developing your team.
Pick people who align with your values and vision for the team/company.

Do they show up how you want them to?

“Don’t let your world create you. You create your world.”

Hire or allow people on your team who fit and have the same vision as you.

Many businesses and teams hire or make the team for “skills” rather than “fit”. Hire and/or pick people who fit into the culture you are trying to create and build meaningful relationships with them. If they feel respected and valued, they will be more efficient and motivated workers/students/athletes at their job, in a classroom, or out on the field.

I am fortunate to have these members in my tribe and you can establish an amazing supportive tribe as well. You have to first know what you want, where you want to go, and then go out and connect with people who share your vision.

Ultimately if you want to be successful, you need people on your team and in your tribe to help make it happen! Let people in your boat who are there to help you row, not to drill holes or are added weight.

Note: The pictures throughout this blog are my main tribe members. My family is also in that circle, I just ran out of room for pictures and wanted to focus more on my support system from my friends and boyfriend rather than the realm of family.