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Supporting Sister Survivors

Did you take the time to watch the ESPYS?

Well, I didn’t, but I watched the highlights later on. If you did not watch them, like me, I highly encourage you to take the ten minutes to watch the clip from when 114 ‘Sister Survivors’ took the stage to receive the Arthur Ashe Courage Award.

The 2018 ESPYS took the time to honor the survivors who were sexually assaulted and abused by who they believed to be a trusted Doctor. I am not going to mention the Doctor’s’ name, he doesn’t deserve to have his name mentioned because this post is not about him. It’s about the strong survivors.

(If you want to know his name and don’t yet, a quick google search will pull it up right away.)

265 Women. Girls. Athletes. Mothers. Daughters. Sisters.

I read an article that mentioned there were 265 women sexually abused. 265! That’s a lot of lives affected by something that they should have NEVER had to experience. In the video, as the sister survivors take the stage you feel chills. You feel chills from their anger that something so volatile happened to them, you feel chills from their pain that is so unimaginable, you feel chills from their courage that all of these women demonstrated, you feel chills from their strength when they walk together as a unified team of 114 women warriors to accept an award they all deserve, but shouldn’t have had to endure.

There are many feelings that you will experience as you watch the video. These strong and powerful women spoke up several times in the past about their abuser.

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1998
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2004
2011
2013
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2015
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These were the years that reports were made. These were the years that girls and women spoke out to have their voices heard. These were the years they attempted to tell their stories. These were the years that nothing happened. No one listened or acted upon what they told them, yet they pursued telling their stories and speaking up anyways.

This message is powerful and inspiring. Yes, it is daunting and terrible that this abuse went on for over 30 years until something was done. But the other side of the coin is that eventually something was done. It’s a reminder to NEVER give up. Overtime something will happen, something will be done. We need to keep fighting and continue to pursue in telling our stories.

I am beyond thankful to each and every one of these women. I am also sick to my stomach at what they had to endure. They spoke up not only for themselves but for tons of other girls and women who did not or could not speak up. It’s way harder than you think. If you speak up you risk people not believing you and your entire life being scrutinized and judged upon. You risk a harsh backlash that could happen. This is why so many people do not speak up. This is why I did not speak up to authorities when I was sexually abused. I was scared and ashamed, just like so many other victims.

It happens more often than we would like to believe.

As coaches, parents, brothers, sisters, friends, teammates, and other professionals we need to listen, believe, and act accordingly to keep youth athletes, college students, and children safe. It’s up to us. If they shared their story with you, they did their part. Now you and I need to do ours. Don’t let their stories fall on deaf ears. Protect them and do your best and your part to keep them safe.

It’s our job and duty to use this tragedy as an example and reminder to stop placing money and medals above the safety of kids and athletes. Enough is enough.

Thank you to all of the sister survivors for this reminder, for this lesson, and for making other victims feel less alone.

Your story deserves to be heard. Your voice has power. Use it and tell your story.

Building Intrinsic Motivation in Youth Sports

A couple of years ago my niece went out for volleyball. She played for a competitive team and struggled to develop her skills being new to the sport. Often she compared herself to teammates who have been playing much longer. She still wanted to play and would practice at home all the time peppering the ball against the wall.

She lacked confidence though, especially in her serves.

This past season she has immensely enjoyed her volleyball experience. When I asked her what she loved most about the sport she said, “I just love all of it. Especially playing games. It’s the most fun to pass to my teammates and play serving games at practice. My coach is nice and my teammates were fun.”

When asked why she plays the sport she smiled saying, “I just really like it!”

This is what happens when youth sports support a child’s three basic needs according to the Self-Determination Theory (Ryan & Deci, 2000). It is my favorite theory of motivation. It states that a person will become intrinsically motivated (meaning they will choose to do something solely for the pure enjoyment and fun out of it) if all three basic needs are met. Extrinsic motivation is the opposite meaning they are doing it for some kind of reward or benefit.

Intrinsic motivation is important for success because studies have demonstrated that those who are intrinsically motivated in something will have a deeper engagement in learning activities, better conceptual learning, and have a higher persistence at learning activities (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

The three basic needs to enhance intrinsic motivation include:

1) Competence: Learning and developing skills to increase confidence.
2) Autonomy: offering choices or a sense of freedom within their sport, giving them the power to choose.
3) Relatedness: Making friends and being a part of a team, interacting with others and connecting.

I remember these three needs by using the acronym CAR. When I am working with athletes and teams I ask myself, “Am I letting them drive the car?” Meaning, I am checking in to see if I am providing ways to increase their competence, autonomy, and relatedness. As coaches and parents, we need to let kids drive their own car. We are their car frame supporting them and being the ones to press the gas and brakes when needed for guidance.

All coaches should provide an environment where all three are met to increase a child’s intrinsic motivation in sport.

This video is of my niece this past season, 2 years later. She has been improving her skills and starting to enjoy the process. When I went to watch her at this game she made every serve over but one!

I can’t explain the joy I felt watching her play in this game. The girls demonstrated great camaraderie filled with laughter, athletic stances, effort, and point celebration cheers. Here she is, with her serves going over (when two years ago she felt it was impossible) and diving to the ground to save a ball. The best part (which isn’t on video) is when she got up after the hit, her teammates and coaches praised her effort, and she continued to play.

Be the frame, gas, and brakes. Let them drive their car.

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68.

Who Is In Your Boat?

I recently watched an awesome video someone shared online about friendship and your “tribe.”

I invite you to watch it as well here.

What exactly is your tribe? Well for starters, you have the power to decide who you want it to be.

The people who are in your tribe are essentially the people you identify as your support system. They are the people that you associate with most. Essentially your tribe includes your friends, mentors, colleagues, and/or family.

What is it that makes knowing your tribe so important though for leadership, success, and character development?

Well, did you know that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with?

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously stated this, which he relates to the law of averages. This law states that the result of any given situation will be the average of all outcomes. No matter what relationship we have, we are influenced heavily by those around us. We may not believe that this is the case, but it most definitely is true.

Think about it. Who are your 5 closest friends or “tribe” members? What activities do they do? What kind of style do they have? What types of clothes do they wear? What sayings or words do they frequently use? What are their values? More than likely, you engage in similar things, have similar values, and may even wear similar clothing styles and talk alike.

I’m sure you have experienced being around someone who says a word or phrase often and after being around them for awhile you start to say it too. It’s because they have just influenced you! I know that I have experienced this many times before.

The bottom line is that the people you surround yourself with matters.

Consider your five people or your tribe. Imagine them all in your boat of life. Are they helping you row towards the destination you’re aiming for or are they drilling holes?

It’s not about the size of your circle but the loyalty that’s in it. What this means is that it does not matter how MANY people you have in your tribe, the quality of the people in it matters more.

Surround yourself with positively impactful people!

I’ve been known to be picky about who I allow into my circle of close friends. I definitely don’t have a lot of close friends, but those who I am close to definitely surpass me in all aspects that I strive to be. With my tribe I am not the average, I am below the average.

They keep me on track and motivate me to work towards my goals and to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. They don’t judge me or criticize unless it’s coming from a point of care because they know that I can be and do better. Essentially they call me out on my bullshit. There isn’t jealousy or comparison because we all want to support one another and are happy to see each other succeed. My tribe is along with me for my ride helping paddle my boat and I am along for their ride paddling just as hard. It goes both ways!

Since you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, what kind of person does that make you? Consider what kind of person you want to be. How are these two people aligning with one another?

Surround yourself with those who push you to be your best and tell you the hard truth, even when you don’t want to hear it. We need people to call us out on our bullshit and support us and pick us up when needed as well.

The same goes for when you are hiring people for your business or are a coach and developing your team.
Pick people who align with your values and vision for the team/company.

Do they show up how you want them to?

“Don’t let your world create you. You create your world.”

Hire or allow people on your team who fit and have the same vision as you.

Many businesses and teams hire or make the team for “skills” rather than “fit”. Hire and/or pick people who fit into the culture you are trying to create and build meaningful relationships with them. If they feel respected and valued, they will be more efficient and motivated workers/students/athletes at their job, in a classroom, or out on the field.

I am fortunate to have these members in my tribe and you can establish an amazing supportive tribe as well. You have to first know what you want, where you want to go, and then go out and connect with people who share your vision.

Ultimately if you want to be successful, you need people on your team and in your tribe to help make it happen! Let people in your boat who are there to help you row, not to drill holes or are added weight.

Note: The pictures throughout this blog are my main tribe members. My family is also in that circle, I just ran out of room for pictures and wanted to focus more on my support system from my friends and boyfriend rather than the realm of family.

Building Team Culture

Recently I worked with a team on building their team culture and their part in creating it. I started off by asking them a simple question.

“Who are your leaders?”

They responded by saying the coaches, captains, and few other names of teammates who are high performers on their team. When I ask them who shapes their teams’ culture they responded by naming the leaders they previously mentioned.

Wrong. The culture is the attitude of the people in it.

I asked them if they are part of their culture, which they nodded.

“If you are a part of the culture, you have a part in creating it. That makes you a leader as well.”

I knew immediately the reason they weren’t liking their current team culture is that they weren’t doing anything to change it. They ignored their responsibility as leaders to take ownership of creating the culture they wanted. They avoided stepping up as a leader and placed blame on a select few who they thought controlled the culture. If this is the case with your team, your culture will not change until the attitudes of the people on the team change.

“Leaders create the culture that drives the behavior that produces results.” – Brian Kight

Everyone on your team are ALL leaders in the sense that they all play a part in creating the team culture. Leadership means taking ownership of that role. The culture is YOU. It’s not the coach, captains, school, or fans. The culture is each and every one of YOU. What YOU believe and do can change the culture.

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Once you can create buy-in from your team that each and every person plays a vital role in establishing the team culture you can change it. Establish values and rules that you want your team to live by. What kind of culture do you want? What do you want your team to look and act like? Create unified team goals that everyone on the team buys into. Once you know your values, rules, and goals that everyone is onboard with you can shift the culture and change the attitudes on the team to step up as leaders and take ownership of their part on the team.

Teams with great cultures also know how to bring the energy with their positive attitudes. Does your team do this? Energy is contagious. Once it’s formed and passed throughout the team it can create powerful momentum.

Feel the energy this team I worked with brought in an activity called Rock, Paper, Scissors Cheerleader. The only way this activity works successfully is if the whole team buys into the game, develops a positive attitude, and brings the energy. If you were another team looking in, what would you think about this team? Other people and teams can feel the energy from these groups and they are drawn to them! You can intimidate your opponents and draw others to be on your team through your team culture. Create the culture that you want and remember that each and every person on your team has a part in creating it.

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10 things I learned from running a marathon

Seeing how this past week was #Globalrunningday I wanted to reflect and analyze 10 things I learned from running my first marathon a year and a half ago.

1) Self-awareness is key

Know your identity, values, and what works for you. If you know how to identify yourself, what values you want to live by, and what your limits are you will be more successful and driven in whatever you choose to do. Know your purpose and your reasoning for doing it.

I have never identified myself as a distance runner, I’ve always been a sprinter in track and field. Running a marathon was never even on my bucket list. Why would I EVER want to put myself through that excruciating pain of training and running for 26.2 miles? It never seemed exciting and I was lucky if I could run over 30 minutes.

I do identify myself though as a competitive person and a challenge-seeker. I value hard-work and trying things out of my comfort zone. This is what led to my decision to run a marathon. When my good friend in graduate school Sofia expressed her interest in running a marathon I responded, “Good for you, I will definitely cheer you on!” Her response was, “No you’re running with me.” I laughed and when I saw her still looking at me with a straight face I knew she was serious. That was it and I was up for the challenge.

2) Establishing a support team is crucial

Not going to lie, the training was time-consuming, painful, and exhausting. We decided to follow the Chicago Marathon training guide, which included hills, speed work, and track intervals. This was much more ideal for me with my track and field background compared to the other training regimens that only had different miles to run each day. I knew that would bore me to death and I needed more variety. (Again referring to point one, KNOW WHAT WORKS FOR YOU!)

After a few months in I was starting to feel pretty confident in my abilities. I surprised myself with how fast I increased my cardio and was able to run for longer chunks of time without stopping. It definitely helped to have Sofia there because if she didn’t stop running I was definitely not going to be the one to back down. We pushed each other in every run, encouraged each other through the pain, and since we were roommates we could get each other out of bed for those early 5 am runs. She even pushed me when I wanted to back out of a challenging hill workout in 100-degree weather and we couldn’t walk for the next two days due to our calves being as stiff as rocks. Without her support and encouragement, the training runs and the race itself would not have been as fun.

3) Trust your training

I remember vividly our 18-mile run. This was our longest run so far and afterward, we had one more long run left before the marathon. I felt great! It was surreal to be able to run that long, on pace, and finish the last two miles even faster with a kick. This marathon that I was formerly dreading definitely felt manageable and I was excited to hit my goal of running under 4 hours.

Then came the injury.

I had about a month before the marathon and could barely run without pain. In order to overcome these doubts, I had to remind myself of the previous training I had done. I built a strong base that would allow me to finish the race, even with the lack of training in the last month. I would review my former workouts as reminders of what I had already done and how far I had come. I had to trust that my cross-training pool workouts would be enough and that I did not lose the fitness and strength that I had already built.

4) Pay attention to what your body needs

After the 18-mile run, I should have been more aware of my Fitbit tracker results. My resting heart rate skyrocketed and I was not recovering the proper way. The next few weeks I could hardly walk without pain throbbing in my outer knee from my IT band. I tried to push through the workouts but always had to finish early. I decided to take a few weeks off and focus on recovering workouts such as pool running, swimming, biking, and yoga. My IT band just wouldn’t release.

This lasted for about a month and I barely could get any running workouts in. My roommate Sofia finished training the last month by herself. I have never been so worried and anxious for a race before. I would have nightmares of quitting the marathon or I imagined myself having to walk the entire race, which would leave my roommate to run by herself and my marathon would turn into 8 hours instead of 4.

I researched everything I could for my IT band. I was trying out different stretches, foam rolled constantly, completed strengthening exercises for the muscles around my IT band, and carried a lacrosse ball to roll onto the tight spots. I even had two full-body massages, several chiropractor appointments, took Epsom salt soak baths, went to doctors, and had Graston treatment done.

It is important to pay attention to your body. Make sure you recover properly and listen to what it is telling you. Get your sleep, eat correctly, watch your heart rate, and take a day off of training if that is what you need. If I did this early in my training I may have been able to recover better after my 18-miler and possibly prevent or reduce the IT band injury.

5) You can overcome things that others may not think you can

It was two days before the marathon and at this point, I had several people telling me to drop out. I was frustrated by their comments because I felt like this was not an option. I had been training all summer for this, put my body through hell, and I needed to finish what I started. I am not a quitter. Thankfully, my roommate supported me in whatever decision I wanted, which is what I needed tremendously.

I could have easily listened to those who told me to drop out, and I did consider it. Sometimes it is better to listen to others but keep in mind that no one will know yourself and what your limits are better than you. They give advice because they care, but you make the ultimate decision.

6) Preparation breeds confidence

I attempted a slow 2 mile run two nights before the race to see how my IT band was feeling since I hadn’t been running in almost a month. I got .75 miles in and I had to stop because I was nearly in tears from the pain. I walked back home with my head down and my hopes sinking.

The next night I bought Kinesio tape and a knee brace to prevent the oncoming throbbing pain that I knew I would inevitably endure in this race. I anticipated that this marathon will probably be the most painful experience of my life and I wanted to be as prepared as possible.

During the injury, I lacked confidence in my ability to run. What helped was reminding myself of all of the training I already did. I visualized and re-experienced my previous successful runs to remind myself that I am capable and prepared for this run, regardless of the injury. I also became more prepared by investing in a knee brace, Kinesio tape, and all of the treatments/recovery exercises I had done on my IT band. The more you prepare, the more confident you will feel.

7) Goal-setting is important, but remember to modify as needed

My former goal for the marathon was under 4 hours, which is what I was on pace to run before my injury, but I modified it after my injury to just finishing the race. I had certain my previous goals established but was willing to modify my goal of running under 4 hours after the injury. These goals assisted me in adhering to my training regimen and provided motivation during my race.

When race day arrived I had the support of my roommate, boyfriend, parents, stepparents, and siblings. With them on my side, I was confident and determined to finish somehow. As the race started my roommate and I followed behind the 4-hour pacer. I began at a slow and comfortable pace and started to fall behind. I wanted to ease off because I worried that getting out too hard would onset the IT band pain and once it flared up it wouldn’t go away. My goal was to prevent the pain as long as possible otherwise it would be harder to run the marathon if it started early on. We fell pretty far behind the 4 miler pacer and my roommate began to worry we were too off pace. I encouraged her to go ahead and that I would try to catch up if I can once I eased my nerves and felt warmed up.

8) Talk to yourself, don’t listen

A few miles in I was running by myself and alone with my thoughts. It was definitely a lonely couple of miles. My thoughts told me to slow down, throw in the towel, and focused on the anticipation of the pain occurring at any moment. After passing my family a couple of times it hit me. “What are you doing Jenna?” I asked myself while running alone. I finally confronted my worries, concerns, frustration, and anticipation. It was time to have a serious conversation with myself.

“You did NOT sign up for this marathon to run it by yourself. You and Sofia made a pact to run this together. Without her, you wouldn’t even have considered running this race. You are HOLDING BACK because you fear something that might happen regardless of your pace. Pick it up and get back to the pace you told yourself you were going to run and find Sofia.”

This is what I needed. I needed to give myself a good kick in the butt for holding myself back from meeting my goals. I was running scared and timid, which is not the kind of competitor that I am. I decided that I didn’t care if my IT band acted up or not. I would rather run this race with my friend by my side just like we ran all of our training runs than to run a dreadful 26.2 miles all by myself. This wasn’t the plan. So I stopped listening to my thoughts and talked to myself instead and started to pick it up.

9) Being alone is not fun or helpful

It took me about a mile or two to catch up, but eventually, I did. I was moving at a comfortable, but strong pace with my friend by my side. We matched strides and proudly maintained our pace right behind the 4-hour pacer. This made the race so much more bearable. My thoughts were no longer on waiting for my knee to lock up with throbbing pain and how much this race sucked by myself. Instead, I was enjoying running with a pack of people with all different stories and backgrounds. The miles flew by while indulging in conversations with one another and being cheered every mile or so by my amazing fan club.

In those earlier miles, when I ran by myself, I lacked the support and camaraderie that I would have had running with a group. Realizing how lonely and hard it would be run the run solo motivated me to kick it in and fight to run with the 4-hour pack. It made a world of difference once I had the support of a group to run with.

10) Your mind is more powerful than you think

Within the last five miles, I was in the zone. I pressed on and felt like I could kick in another gear. I told Sofia I was taking off and she came with me. There were miles of pain up ahead but we pursued. We used each other, our mantras, and our supporting fan club to focus on our goals. One step at a time. I used every mental training trick I could think of. I sang, “Left, left, left right left” in my head for hours, repeated the mantras that I wrote on my arm as reminders, and towards the end became mindful. In the last few painful miles, I focused on whatever color shirt the person ahead of me was wearing. Every time I focused on a color I unconsciously met their strides and would gradually speed up and pass them. Yellow, Red, Black, White, Blue. I passed them all. I refused to focus on the pain my body was feeling and only focused on the color ahead. I felt invincible. I felt strong. I felt determined.

I saw the finish line up ahead and started to kick it in, at least that was the plan, I really doubt I was moving much faster. I propelled my arms as fast and strong as I could across the finish line. We finished, we were done! My final time was 3:49, which surpassed our goal of 4 hours. The timing was just the cherry on top. Most importantly, I was gleaming because I finished despite my IT band injury. I realized that your body won’t quit if your mind is still in the game.

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To this day I have no idea how I finished that race. I’m not sure why my IT band didn’t act up when two days before I couldn’t manage running a single mile. Maybe it was the Kinesio tape, maybe it was the knee brace, or maybe it was because I changed my mindset to focus on the present moment instead of anticipating the pain to present itself. All that mattered to me was that I finished. Take that Doctors who encouraged me to quit! (Not really though, I knew they were only doing their job and looking out for my health and well-being.)

I did have some painful toes though at the end. Luckily I had my supportive father there to assist in taking off my shoes. 🙂

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To wrap up here are the 10 lessons:

1) Self-awareness is key
2) Establishing a support team is crucial
3) Trust your training, even when your training isn’t where you want it to be
4) Pay attention to what your body needs
5) You can overcome things that others may not think you can
6) Preparation breeds confidence
7) Goal-setting is important, but remember to modify as needed
8) Talk to yourself, don’t listen
9) Being alone is not fun or helpful
10) Your mind is more powerful than you think

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Share your thoughts on the post, I’d love to hear from you! Apply these 10 principles and learning lessons to your game, race, or event to keep that eye of the storm mentality!

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