Monthly Archives: March 2020

I Did Not Plan to Be Pregnant in a Pandemic. 

This is the title of an article that came across my social media newsfeed the other day. It drew my attention since I have been experiencing mixed emotions with being pregnant during these uncertain times. 

I’ve been told by other mothers that although it is important to have a birth plan, it is also important to be flexible because the plan usually doesn’t go accordingly. This pandemic is already demonstrating the importance of being able to adapt because just like many things with labor and pregnancy, there was no way to prepare for what is the new norm in the world now. 

At first, I thought that this pandemic would pass sooner rather than later. Some might call me naive, I’d call it hopeful and optimistic. Not even a week into this craziness and I can already tell that the later will be happening. At 23 weeks I’m almost nearing the end of the second trimester, which will lead me to the start of my third trimester. Like the article I mentioned above, the third trimester is when my doctor appointments are scheduled every other week rather than once a month. After that, they will be every week until the arrival of this beautiful baby. These appointments, although also at times scary and nerve-wracking, were also full of excitement to see baby’s growth and to hear how things are progressing. Now some of that excitement is gone. Instead of the excitement the panic and fear sets in that, I will be leaving my home, where I’ve been isolating myself from exposure, into a hospital that is exposed. I find myself torn between wanting to keep myself and my unborn baby safe, to wanting to see the doctor, but afraid of who and what has been exposed. After all – hospitals are where people go when they are experiencing symptoms.

Every day I see the numbers of infected individuals increase around the world, in my country, in my state, and even in my county. By the time I’m going to the hospital, those numbers will increase even more. I would say the worst part of this is that there aren’t any answers. Yes, many people have told me that being pregnant puts me more at risk, but if you do the research there aren’t really studies to prove this. I understand wanting to error on the side of caution but the unknown is what gets to me the most. No one really knows how COVID-19 will affect expecting mothers and the growing fetus so we also do not really know how to respond to it.

In the past few days, I’ve been thinking more into the future than trying to find daily activities to get through each day in my house while my husband is at work. I’ve thought of baby showers that will now be canceled, the shortage of essentials that my baby will need such as thermometers, baby wipes, and other staples that are now limited, and the baby classes and massages that I wanted to enjoy that I will no longer be able to. I had breastfeeding classes, a tour of the birthing center, and labor skill classes all on my agenda that now are in limbo. 

Since we also don’t even know how long this pandemic will last it has me anxious about the arrival of my baby. I always envisioned a relaxing stay at the hospital and inviting all of our family and friends to visit to welcome our new addition. However, with all of the quarantining, social distancing, and small groups of people that are required this has me concerned. Is my baby going to only know my husband and me until others self-quarantine for 14 days before they can greet our bundle of joy? It’s not ideal, but if it’s what safest for the baby it’ll be what’s needed.

I am a woman of faith though and I full-heartedly believe that God has a plan. God gifted my husband and me with this beautiful baby and he has something in store for it. I intend to see what that plan is. Obviously I hope that the plan is that we bring this baby safely into this world, despite everything that’s going on. I need to continue to trust and pray that he will help me relieve my stress and anxious thoughts and take each day as it is. Trust his plan, that’s all I can do while keeping myself and my baby as safe and healthy as possible.

My husband has said that everyone else is worried for me and baby because I am not worried enough myself. I am worried though, I mentioned all of my worries and concerns earlier. I choose not to focus on these worries though because they are out of my control. Worrying will not serve me and my baby will feel the stress, which is also not helpful. I continue to choose to have hope and faith in the future instead.

One way I help myself focus on the positives over the negatives is to be mindful of when my baby moves. Every time my baby moves I am reminded of the strength, power, and determination my baby has. My baby is ALIVE and I choose to continue to be alive to the best of my ability rather than to isolate and avoid. I’m not saying I am going to put myself out there into big groups of people, but I choose to not over-worry and to not be overcautious because it mentally and emotionally doesn’t help me. 

I also know through my training and expertise as a mental performance consultant that if we allow ourselves to fall victim to our negative “what if” thoughts that they will continue to grow and take up all of our focus and will lead to anxiety. This anxious thought will consume us and impact how we act and dictate our decisions moving forward. I choose not to be consumed with doubt, worry, and anxiety. Just like in athletics, if you are unable to be self-aware and to buy into to these anxious “what-if” thoughts it will only end up being detrimental to your performance. Just as I teach and remind athletes and teams to be aware and re-construct their negative and anxious self-talk, I must do the same. I want to provide my baby with a healthy environment that is as stress-free as I can make it, especially in a time where the world is experiencing more stress and unknown than normal.

To all of the expecting mothers out there during this challenging time – you’ve got this. You will come out of this even stronger than before, which will be important for your baby to witness. Your child will also become stronger from this experience as well. Even your relationship with your partner will become stronger as you navigate the path of parenthood together during these uncertain times. Parenthood is full of uncertainty and challenges. Think of this pandemic as just another one of those things that parents overcome together for the sake of their child. 

Together we’ve got this.

If you’re like me, you might also be catching yourself thinking about how things in this country were so different just a few weeks ago. You might be catching yourself amazed and in awe at how fast things can change. I know I have. From athletic events and entire seasons getting canceled/postponed to travel restrictions and schools closing we are all trying to navigate the unknown of this unchartered territory. 

As a mental performance consultant and track and field coach, I find myself wondering how I can best serve the athletes that I work with. The best thing I can think of is to take it to a blog – write it out in hopes that there is something they can pull from it to help them move forward. Even if you are not an athlete who is dealing with the loss of your season, a big meet you worked all year for, or simply struggling with what to do right now since you don’t have practice, you can still find these ideas useful. At least that’s my hope. 

First, I want you to give yourself permission to FEEL your emotions. What are your emotions around this coronavirus crisis? Maybe you’re upset and frustrated. Maybe you feel confused, hopeless, and even scared. Maybe you simply feel sad about what is going on and the loss that you’ve experienced. Maybe you’re still numb and unsure how you feel. However, you are feeling – it’s OK! There is no right or wrong way to be feeling at this time. We all are going to have different reactions to these unfolding events and we need to be aware of where we are in order to move forward. 

A loss is the same as any other loss and we will feel similar stages to the stages of grief such as when we lose a loved one. According to Kubler-Ross the stages of grief are as followed:

• Denial: In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

• Anger: Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. At first, grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone or something. Suddenly you have a structure – – your anger. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love for what you lost. 

• Bargaining: Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only the thing you lost would be spared. After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?” We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what it was. We want to go back in time: …if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if only’s” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. 

• Depression: After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of a depression mental illness diagnosis. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering. Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.

• Acceptance: Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about their loss. This stage is about accepting the reality of our loss. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually, we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.

People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes, hours, or days. We also do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one. So if you lost something of value to you, or even a loved one during this crisis pay attention to what feelings you are experiencing and allow yourself time to move through these stages in your own time, at your own pace, and in your own way. 

Once you have given yourself time to move towards acceptance we can then start to shift our focus, perspective, and mindset to best serve us during this troubling time. The way I suggest you do this is by focusing on what I like to call, and what is commonly referred to in Sport Psychology, as controlling the controllables.

What does this mean?

It means that we can choose to spend our time and energy on two different things. One is focusing on things that we have no control over, like the wind in the case of the quote above. The thing with this is that we end up wasting our time and energy because the things we focus on are NOT in our control. We lose our power because we rely on our emotions and responses to be decided on by someone or something else. If we want to empower ourselves and be in control of ourselves then we want to stop focusing on things we can’t control and look at what we can control, such as the sail as the quote refers to.

Here is a list of things that we can always control, regardless of the situation.

• Response: You ultimately get to decide how you want to respond to whatever situation is going on. For now, things are getting canceled all around us. We don’t get to control what does and does not get canceled, only how we respond to it. How are you choosing to respond to this? In a negative way, a positive way, or what kind of way? YOU get to decide. 

• Preparation: Times are changing and it can be scary or unknown. Preparation breeds confidence though. I do not mean to go out and hoard all of the toilet paper and hand sanitizer you can find. That’s not being prepared, that’s overreacting. What I mean by this is to prepare how you are best going to handle the situation. What kind of routine are you going to establish for yourself? If your sport season is canceled and you want to keep up your fitness – create a fitness plan! Or maybe you decide to sit on the couch for the time being. You decide how you are going to plan your time off. 

• Connecting: Even though we physically should be isolating ourselves from large groups of people it doesn’t mean we need to shut out the outside world. We can still find creative ways to connect with others whether that’s through social media, phone calls, or using virtual meetings or workout classes. If you’re an athlete who is planning to work out regularly, find a friend who can meet up with you in a zoom meeting, google hangout or facetime and you can get your sweat on together. Keep each other accountable during this time and support each other through it. During these times we need each other most! 

• Attitude: How do you want to spend these next few weeks, or at the worst months? We can’t control the amount of time it will take to get this virus under control (besides listening to the CDC recommendations,) but we do get to control our attitude about it. Are you going to sulk and feel sorry for yourself during this time with a poor attitude while complaining about the situation that is out of your control? Or do you want to remain hopeful and focused on crushing your goals even though you may have to modify and adjust what those goals look like. I would rather choose the second one. Let’s make the most of this time with the best attitude we can bring because like most things that are going on in the world right now, it’s out of our control. So let’s focus on the few things that we can control. 

I hope you found this blog useful and took away one or two things to help you get through this time. Establish a routine for yourself and stick to it the best you can. Use this time to tackle that “to-do” list for projects around your house. You finally have the time to get it done! Read that book that you never got to finish. Call up that friend or family member that you have been meaning to catch up with. This time is yours – how do you plan on using it? That’s also in your control. 🙂

When I got married in October I realized afterward that throwing a successful and effective wedding is similar to that of a strong team. It takes many hands on deck, a lot of cooperative, effective communication, and clear expectations on role identification and role ownership. 

In order for my wedding to run smoothly, I needed a strong team of individuals that consisted of family and friends who were all on the same page for what the ultimate goal was: which was for me to marry my future husband. Like sports teams, the end goal may be to win the game, but they may have to take different paths and turns in order to reach that end goal. My wedding was no different. There were definitely some bumps in the road and setbacks along the way, but I had to stay focused and remind myself and my team that as long as I married Cody by the end of the day, we were successful. Keeping your eyes on the prize and staying focused on the end goal helps you overcome setbacks and bumps that you may encounter. 

Another key component that is important for teams that I had to do myself throughout my wedding plan and day was to trust the process. I had to trust that all of the preparation I put in leading up to the day was enough to allow the day to run as smoothly as possible. I had to trust my family, friends, and vendors to do their part and to be able to figure it out without me if something went awry. I had to focus on what was in my control rather than what wasn’t in my control.

For example, the night before my wedding I had my wedding rehearsal. When we arrived we found out that the deacon who I’ve been communicating with up until the wedding was actually on vacation and would not be marrying us. Instead, a pastor who I have never met or spoke to was marrying us. He was definitely not prepared. He didn’t know anything about my husband and me or about the layout we had planned and created with the deacon. I had different options for how I could have reacted to this. I could have become very upset with the whole ordeal and let it ruin my rehearsal, or I could be resilient, hold my head high, and figure out with my wedding party how to get the rehearsal done to the best of our abilities in the hour that we had. I had to hope, even though we did not get a lot done in that hour, that everyone knew the plan going forward and that on the day of we would execute the ceremony the best we can. Again I reminded myself, my goal was to marry the man of my dreams. It may not go the way I originally envisioned, but we still were on the path to reach that goal. My response was in my control at that moment. What was also in my control was how I explained everything to my wedding party and the pastor about what the plan was. 

The big day came and everyone got into position for their parts. I had a schedule for the ladies to get their hair and makeup done, my makeup artist and hairstylists knew what time to show up and where, and all of the guys had information on when to get ready. I had to take a deep breath, focus on myself, and enjoy the day by being in the moment while everyone else did their part. 

My team ended up doing a wonderful job. Everyone owned their parts exceptionally well, and when there were hiccups, they were able to figure it out, without bringing me into it. Because of this, I was able to have a stress free wedding day – which was by far the best day of my life so far. 🙂

Sports teams work the same way. You can only control what YOU do, and you have to trust that everyone else on your team knows their part and that they can and will do their part. If something doesn’t go well – oh well. It’s not in your control. Just like when the pastor referred to my husband Cody as Cory several times throughout the ceremony until he corrected it. It’s something we now can laugh back on. You need to trust the process, trust your team, and focus on whatever is going on in the present moment. 

As they say, it often takes a village and there is no way my day would be as amazing as it was without my strong and powerful village.